Mask

So... what's this time? This is all about me and the change in my attitude since last 2-3 weeks.

I posted my last 2 post on august 2nd .. today is 21st of august.. and today I see myself a lot changed. I faced a lot of ups and downs... "more downs than ups"

So.. who was I before 2nd August?? I was an achiever... I was leaving in the world of my dreams..

I used to think that I can get what I want.. for example , I believed that I could clear aptitude exam of any company but I couldn't clear aptitude of any company. I believed that I would be able to attract a girl towards me but 2day what I see is I m nothing 2 her . "It took me a minute 2 write this last sentence.. made many formations but just 2 convince myself I used this lighter one".

I believed that I will be able catch up with my studies after my sister's marriage.. but I m no where close 2 the targets. I .............

So what did I do?? I wore a mask.. I wore mask so that I look happy, successful and satisfied.

How did I do that?? well , I got myself into playing football in free time in college.. just shouting randomly and acting as if I m on the top of the world and enjoying a lot. but when I get back 2 my place I see no one beside. I feel lonely . The mask automatically gets removed at that time but the effect of the mask lasts after its removal also so that no one can get any idea about my feelings.

So thus I managed to avoid my college time.. nw when I get back 2 home what shall I do 2 kill the time? I just sleep.. or go to endeavor.

But what if I dont feel like sleeping and I dont hv endeavor?? I just sit in my room. play some music kill the time and try 2 get myself distanced from silence and loneliness.. I dont knw what I think in the time when I m lonely.

When in endeavor I just brag my football skills to others.. make mockery of my friends and make some efforts to concentrate ... then come back home and go to sleep..

I thought that I must not visit any public places so I avoided watching a movie with frds but then I thought that this is not done.. my mask overtook myself and then I started acting normal so that no one realizes that I hv lost smthing from me.

some times it happens that I lie on my bed just thinking about any random thing for an hour or 2

. that random things include HER, my skills of using mask , my failures , my weaknesses ...

I look pretty normal to everyone thanx 2 the mask but now I hv no more strength 2 wear this mask.. I cannot tolerate silence .. I cannot endure loneliness. I need someone to talk with but I dont want to open up with anybody.

I dont knw why this is happening 2 me?? is this bcz of my failures to clear the aptitude exams?? is this bcz my failure in coming 2 HER notice??? ohh god tell me what is this?

I cannot live the life with 2 faces.. I want my old and original face back..

Lost

I was matured enough to take my decision by 10th std.

My sister who is 3 years elder than me took science stream so w/o considering my will or my interest I also decided to take science stream.

I could have thought about other alternatives but why didn't I??

That might be because my sister opted for it and so it was tried and tested thus safe for me to go forward?

Might be because my friends also took it.

Might be because it was a science stream which had got more reputation than any other stream from my point of view.

Might be because I was scared to take risk and opt some different path for my future. Wait did I thought of my future @that time just for a second? Answer is NO. Then what the hell was I doing? Following others and being coward?

Did I actually think of gaining some knowledge? Answer is NO.

Did I think why not any other field but science? Answer is NO.

So I was aimless or may be still I am aimless.

I started maths of 12th in the vacation of the 10th. I missed a lot of fun because of that. I had to loose many of my friends because I didn't have time for them or I didn't consider them as important assets of my life. Today , shall I regret that? No,Because now I am in one of the best colleges of Gujarat.and YES,because I lost my friends. But were they my true friends? Because true friends give each other a lot of space. Did they give me my space? No. They didn't welcome me back. None of them got good score in 12th. So shall I be happy? Don't know.

Ok. Now I was concerned with getting good score in 12th , nothing else.

So I didnt study well in 11th.. Was this the only reason for not studying in 11th? Did I actually want to study? Answer is No. Then I must not give excuse of finishing maths of 12th in 11th by spoiling all three subjects.

I feel proud for getting failed in the First Term Test in 2 subjects. Am I actually proud of that? No. Where the hell was my self-respect? Nowhere.

Somehow I managed 2 pass 11th and came in 12th. I didn't have any desire of getting knowledge.I just kept on mugging the things. Though there were things in fact many things that I could understand very well with the concepts clear and on the same side there were things which meant nothing.

That whole study was exam oriented and with no purpose of gaining knowledge. I didn't bother to read anything except study material and today I regret this behavior a lot.

I got so called "95.33%" in 12th.. I used to say merit % to all not the overall score that was "90.20%" and not the combined score with gujcet that was "93.XX" , I don't remember the score bcz I dont tl that 2 everyone.

Then came the time for the decision of my future.

but what I saw was predetermined options..

Nirma EC/CE/IT

LD EC/CE/IT

DDIT EC/CE/IT

What the hell?? where was my opinion??? heyy did I want 2 give opinion?? Did I thought of any other course or collge?? No. Why?? answer is I didn't have that courage to think beyond those options. but why??? Bcz those options were tried and tested and the most secured ones..

What if I was given opportunity of selecting any course of my choice??

I donno what would have done.. did I knw any area of my interest?? No..

Then follow others so I came 2 Nirma.

I studied C language in the vacation and it attracted me.. I studied C in 1st sem I enjoyed it a lot and till 2day I love programming in C. But I am not that much bold to dedicate my career in C language .. I knw it has got huge scope and one can do miracles but I am afraid. I am used 2 tried and tested things.

Then many subjects came.. The most horrible was ED... It took my life .. I got 8.5 marks out of 50 and that was the time I cried in the college campus in front of my friends.I tried 2 control but that shows that I had some self respect. congo man.

Then somehow my mom and my sister came to know about CAT examination and all that MBA stuff. They didn't want me 2 do MBA , they wanted me to crack CAT and earn huge sum of money. I was not asked of my choice and as usual I didn't have any choice . So I started preparing for CAT. I joined endeavor.

I was forced 2 read novels and news papers.. I was least interested then also I started and developed some interest.. I kept on convincing myself that I have 2 like this ....

I am not much good at quant but I dont't want to realize that ....

I took artificial neural network as my seminar topic. I took this topic bcz I had some idea that it contains AI. and I was right. I found it very much interesting but bcz of many stupid things I didnt give much time 2 it. I knw that I could have done some good things in it but I didnt..

I kept on spoiling all the things.. I was not good in CAT nor in my academics.for others my marks may be good but I seriously never go by marks ..

Then came the subject data mining that was related to AI in some way or other. I found it very much interesting.. I was clear with many ofn the fundas.. but didnt give some quality time 2 it. so didnt produce any quality work which I could have.

Now the companies are coming..........

I sat in futures first ... why?? money.. I knw if I were selected I would hv spoiled my whole career but I was not able to clear the aptitude test so I was rejected..

2morrow I m going 2 sit in deloitte.. y?? money....

where is my choice???

what do i wannna do??

why am I doing some things?

where I wanna go??

I am lost............................