Mask

So... what's this time? This is all about me and the change in my attitude since last 2-3 weeks.

I posted my last 2 post on august 2nd .. today is 21st of august.. and today I see myself a lot changed. I faced a lot of ups and downs... "more downs than ups"

So.. who was I before 2nd August?? I was an achiever... I was leaving in the world of my dreams..

I used to think that I can get what I want.. for example , I believed that I could clear aptitude exam of any company but I couldn't clear aptitude of any company. I believed that I would be able to attract a girl towards me but 2day what I see is I m nothing 2 her . "It took me a minute 2 write this last sentence.. made many formations but just 2 convince myself I used this lighter one".

I believed that I will be able catch up with my studies after my sister's marriage.. but I m no where close 2 the targets. I .............

So what did I do?? I wore a mask.. I wore mask so that I look happy, successful and satisfied.

How did I do that?? well , I got myself into playing football in free time in college.. just shouting randomly and acting as if I m on the top of the world and enjoying a lot. but when I get back 2 my place I see no one beside. I feel lonely . The mask automatically gets removed at that time but the effect of the mask lasts after its removal also so that no one can get any idea about my feelings.

So thus I managed to avoid my college time.. nw when I get back 2 home what shall I do 2 kill the time? I just sleep.. or go to endeavor.

But what if I dont feel like sleeping and I dont hv endeavor?? I just sit in my room. play some music kill the time and try 2 get myself distanced from silence and loneliness.. I dont knw what I think in the time when I m lonely.

When in endeavor I just brag my football skills to others.. make mockery of my friends and make some efforts to concentrate ... then come back home and go to sleep..

I thought that I must not visit any public places so I avoided watching a movie with frds but then I thought that this is not done.. my mask overtook myself and then I started acting normal so that no one realizes that I hv lost smthing from me.

some times it happens that I lie on my bed just thinking about any random thing for an hour or 2

. that random things include HER, my skills of using mask , my failures , my weaknesses ...

I look pretty normal to everyone thanx 2 the mask but now I hv no more strength 2 wear this mask.. I cannot tolerate silence .. I cannot endure loneliness. I need someone to talk with but I dont want to open up with anybody.

I dont knw why this is happening 2 me?? is this bcz of my failures to clear the aptitude exams?? is this bcz my failure in coming 2 HER notice??? ohh god tell me what is this?

I cannot live the life with 2 faces.. I want my old and original face back..